Thursday, November 1, 2007

To Tell, or Not to Tell

S. and I have been talking a lot lately about whether to tell anyone about the infertility mess that we're going through. So far, we haven't told anyone, but as treatments disrupt our daily lives more and more, it becomes harder to keep it to ourselves.

When we first started trying, we didn't tell anyone, because that always seemed odd to me. ("Mom, guess what! We're gonna start having unprotected sex! Thought you'd want to know.") When that wasn't working, we still didn't tell anyone, because, well, there was nothing to tell. ("Guess what! We're still not pregnant. But you already knew that.") When we went to the doctor, we decided to wait to tell anyone until we actually had a diagnosis to share, and a plan for getting around it. And now, at any given time, in any given cycle, we're hoping that in a few short weeks, we WILL be pregnant, and in the mean time, I don't want to be constantly answering questions ("No, we're not pregnant yet. Thanks so much for asking. Again.") So, nobody knows.

Some of my friends have noticed the side effects of the drugs, or at least my avoidance of alcohol, caffeine, and pain-killers, so many of them seem to think that I am already pregnant but haven't announced it yet. (You'd think that, after observing what they think are first-trimester symptoms for 4 or 5 months in a row, with me not saying anything and certainly not showing, that they'd realize they were wrong....) Some of them have even asked S. if I'm pregnant -- he has mastered getting a shocked look on his face and saying "What?!? Who's the father???"

In the mean time, almost every single one of our friends has had a baby (3 newborns in the last 3 months alone). And they have all taken it upon themselves to try to convince us to have children, so it's all we hear about whenever we get together. S.'s parents are even worse -- the constant guilt trip to provide them with grandkids is particular tough to take when I just want to scream, "We're trying! We're trying! Leave us alone already!" (If we told them the truth, though, I think that the pity and constant questions would be even harder to take....) So, our silence continues.

Thanksgiving this year will probably be the toughest. When we saw my in-laws this summer, they were ruthless in dropping hints, bringing up children, making passive-aggressive comments, .... They push harder each time we see them, and the presense of a newborn being brought by their "adopted son" (D., one of S.'s best friends from grade school) will make the issue that much more at the forefront. When hearing that D. was coming to Thanksgiving with his 3-month-old, my mother-in-law's reaction was that she was thrilled that somebody was bringing an infant, so that the family would finally have someone to coo over and entertain them during the holiday. Point taken.

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