Thursday, May 13, 2010

Anxiety

I need to whine. A lot. Bear with me.

Car accidents suck. Car accidents while pregnant suck even more. Car accidents while none of your friends or family know that you're pregnant are even worse.

My back is still killing me from the accident, and all I can take is Tylenol. All of my friends and family keep eagerly asking me what I'm taking for the pain, and when I tell them that I'm just taking Tylenol, they think that I'm nuts, since they don't know that the pregnancy is limiting my pain relief options. Several have told me that I should angrily call my doctor and insist that she prescribe something stronger for me. My options for dealing with my friends: either lie to them and tell them that my back isn't that bad, so I don't need anything stronger; or lie to them and tell them that I am taking something stronger, even though I'm not. Either way, it's pretty obvious when you're with me for more than a few minutes that I'm awfully uncomfortable, so I don't know that either lie will be at all believable.

Several of my friends have had experience with neck and back injuries from car accidents, and they're asking me all sorts of questions about what my x-ray showed. Um, I haven't had an x-ray. There's really no way to x-ray the lower back without shooting radiation through my defenseless 6-week-old apple seed. (S wants me to get the x-ray, in the hope that the radiation will produce a child with superpowers. I think he's kidding. But he might not be.) But when my friends hear that I haven't had an x-ray or an MRI, they're outraged. They're positive that my doctor is negligent, or stupid, or both. But I can't explain to them that my doctor is not being negligent, she's being respectful of my desire to protect my child, because they don't know that I'm pregnant.

I'm tempted to lie and tell them that I did get an MRI, and it showed nothing, just to get people off my case. But you know what totally stupid reason is stopping me? I desperately want sympathy. And if I tell people that I have good strong pain killers and nothing seriously wrong, then nobody will give me any sympathy at all, even though it's obvious to me that something is wrong, and I'm in a lot of pain.

I'm seeing a specialist on Monday, who will hopefully be able to diagnose something, or at least rule out my primary care doctor's worry that I fractured my back. I don't know how much he'll be able to do, though, without an x-ray or an MRI. I'm kind of scared that he's just going to say that without an x-ray, there's nothing he can suggest for me, and send me on my way.

Also, I'm terrified for my ultrasound next week. I know that my little apple seed is well cushioned, and should be completely immune to any effects from the accident, but still... I hate not knowing for sure. And I can't just ask for an early ultrasound, because an ultrasound right now wouldn't actually show anything yet, it's still too early. If it were a few weeks from now, my doctor could have done an ultrasound immediately after the accident, and I'd know that everything was fine. But having to wait? Sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks.

I'm also terrified that I won't be able to make it through nine months of pregnancy with a back injury. I had lower back pain on and off during my pregnancy with LL, and that was just from a normal pregnancy. Going through that with an injured back and pre-existing pain? With no options for relief? I don't know how to cope with that.

And I really hate that S is the only person I can talk to. Don't get me wrong -- S is great -- but I hate not being able to talk to other family and friends. I was tempted to just tell my mom everything, but then I get upset that this isn't exactly how I wanted to tell her about the pregnancy. ("No, Mom, I haven't had an MRI, because it's not safe for the baby. Oh, did I not mention that I'm pregnant?") Also, S is very very into the first trimester secrecy thing. He's already upset that so many people know. (He complained to me that the police officers at the accident scene knew about the pregnancy before our family. Um, not a lot I can do about that.) So telling people about the pregnancy isn't really a good option.

So, I'm lying down a lot and taking Tylenol and trying to work, and I'm putting on a brave face for everyone around me and pretending that it's nothing, I'm fine, nothing to worry about. But I'm actually in a lot of pain, and I'm full of anxiety. I'll hopefully have some answers by the end of next week, after I meet with the specialist and see the apple seed on ultrasound, but in the mean time... this just really sucks.

4 comments:

  1. That really does suck. I'm sorry. By all means, lie a little if it makes it easier for you.

    Any chance you can get your doctor to prescribe some massage or physical therapy that might help?

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  2. Sounds awful. I'm all for 1st trimester secrecy, but this does seem like it may be worth spilling the beans to a few select people under the circumstances. Will definitely earn you MUCH needed sympathy. Or maybe after the ultrasound next week?

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  3. Ugh! No fun...so sorry you're having to go through this. And you're needing sympathy, but can't even actually get the full type of sympathy you need. Hang in there!

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  4. First of all, since I've been a neglectful commenter, a huge CONGRATS!!! I'm so excited for you. An Jan 7th is a great due date (it's my birthday).

    Sorry about the car accident though. It is hard to keep things secret. I had a MRI with Hayden in the 2nd tri (an MRI to look at her actually) so it isn't necessarily dangerous although doctors might want to avoid it if possible so early in pregnancy. Regardless pain sucks and its even worse when you're trying not to spill the beans.

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